Is this… ?

Humour July 2nd, 2008

Even a (sometimes) insightful blog needs to inject some humour to keep things going, no? It’s the mid-week and I thought it’d be nice to get some people laughing off their chairs – and I hope you are not rocking on it; you might just fall back… and you know? *morbid*

Here’s a good laugh for the mid-week… and oh, have you cast your votes yet?

Daughter: Hello?

Daddy: Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?

Daughter: No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.

After a brief pause,

Daddy: But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.

Daughter: Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.

Brief Pause.

Daddy: Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.

Daughter: Okay Daddy, just a minute.

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

Daughter: I did it Daddy. 

Daddy: And what happened honey?

Daughter: Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!

Daddy: Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?

Daughter: He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool… But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.

 

***Long Pause***

 

***Longer Pause***

 

***Even Longer Pause***

 

Daddy: Swimming pool?

Daddy: Is this 486-5731?

Daughter: No, this is 486-5713…..

Daddy: Sorry, wrong number

Some times, things aren’t really as bad as we think it is. Chill out, ya? =)

Gems in Youtube

Humour May 11th, 2008

It’s not everyday that I find gems in Youtube, and when I find it, there’s a… burning desire to share it. =P So here are my latest gems that I have found. Hope that you’d like it. =)

Oh, remember to watch the first one first before watching the second. 😉

Yup. Fans of Mariah Carey, stick your hands up! Okie… maybe it’s a sign that I am from a different generation or planet, but someone has sung one of this songs and it gives great insights to what Mariah Carey can do – she sings not only in English. Yes, if the lyrics were anything to go by, it proves the point.

Enjoy the music video. =)

Since everyone is doing their own posters for Prison Break, I thought I’d do something to help promote Toilet Break Prison Break 4.

 ji-toilet-break

Coming to a cinema near you.

Original picture and idea courtesy of DK. =)

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
  ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
  ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the  impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
   ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of some thing you forgot?
   _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
   ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
  ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
   ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
   ________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt’in me?
  ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh…. I was gett’in laid!
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt’in me? Your Honor, I think I need a
different attorney. Can I get a new Attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
   ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
   _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
   ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
   ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
   ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
   ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?
   ______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Everybody hates him…

Humour September 25th, 2007

Everybody hates him. The guys hate him, the girlfriends hate him. The wives hate him, and probably to a certain extent, some mothers hate him. For some, or a minute few, perhaps the father hates him as well, and almost definitely, the bosses hate him. But for now, what everyone is really concerned about it… who in the world is he? 

He is none other than the person below:

Read the rest of this entry »

Names you would want to avoid

Humour September 20th, 2007

Names that you would want to avoid naming your kids 😉 Got this in my mail this evening.

Mandarin
Paul Chan – Bankrupt
Anne Chang – Dirty
Faye Chen – Dusty
Anne Chin – Keep quiet
Henry Mah – Hate your mum
Jane Tan – Frying eggs
Nelson Tan – Bird laying eggs
Leslie Tong – Rubbish bin

Hokkien
Carl Cheng – Buttock
Monica Cheng – Touching your buttocks
Lucy Leow – You are dead
Suzie Leow – Lost till death
Lim Yew Lin – Drink urine
Lim Teh Peng – Drink iced tea
Danny See – Squeeze you to death
Corrine Tai – Poor fellow
Rosie Teng – Screws and nails
Carmen Tng – Leg hair long
Pete Tsai – Nose droppings

Cantonese
Connie Mah – Call your mother
Macy Koh – Never die before

Ed: Any similarity with any person’s name alive or dead is purely coincidental. This entry is not meant to mock anyone who happened to carry any of such names. If you are offended by this entry, kindly email the author of this blog to have this removed. Standard disclaimer and rights holds.

Fei-zai: Eh, siao eh….

Sor-zai: Simi lah?! I actually very clever, but you everyday siao eh this, siao eh that… see lah? Now my results also look a little siao liao! …. Simi dai ji? I’m damn hungry now… wua ai ke jiak liao

Fei-zai: Oh! Ho! I mah ai ke jiak… le ai jiak simi?

Sor-zai: Um zai leh… ai jiak kway teow mai?

Fei-zai: Kway teow? Market eh kway teow ah?

Sor-zai: Um si lah… school canteen mah wu kway teow? An juah ai ke market jiak kway teow? Still need to take bus out, then need to take bus back. Wua bo student concession, ok? Not like you…

Fei-zai: Oh… school canteen eh kway teow now wu surcharge liao….

Sor-zai: Huh? Simi surcharge?

Fei-zai: Wu… now you need to show your matric card… then hor, they scan your matric card to see how much lui you have to pay

Sor-zai: Si meh? Le mai pian wua la… where got this kind of dai ji one?

Fei-zai: Got… the drink store aunty gah wua gong one… now they see you first year, second year, third year or honours student… then you pay differently liao…

Sor-zai: Haha… le mai gah wua joke liao lah… where got such things… ? And how they know you honest or not?

Fei-zai: Um si honest… si honours… H-o-n-o-u-r-s… 4th year honours student

Sor-zai: Oh… say early mah… So, simi si jeh pay differently eh dai ji?

Fei-zai: The aunty say if you are first year student, then you pay same price – $2. Second year student pay $2.50. Third year student pay $3. Honours student pay $4.

Sor-wai: Wah! Mana wo jeh dai ji? Where got like that one?

Fei-zai: Ya lor. They think that it’s like primarily school students. The higher you go, the more allowance you get.

Sor-zai: Wah piang… like that ah? Ok la.. go out and eat lor. But still must pay bus fare leh. Still the same wat….

Fei-zai: Bo bian lor… aunty said ai jiak mai suah… cham liao la.. tonight must ask pa for more pocket money liao

Sor-zai: Eh… then Albert mah jia lat liao!

Fei-zai: An juah leh?

Sor-zai: Albert retain 3 semesters

Fei-zai: (^_^)”‘

The recent case about Cpl Teo going absent without official leave (AWOL) with the loaded SAR-21 rifle gives a grim reminder of what happened at Virginia Tech some time back, except that he didn’t or hadn’t started shooting people in the cineplex where he was arrested.

There are a few things that I can’t fantom. Firstly, he has one more month to go before he ORD. That means he can do (almost) anything he wants once he’s done his part. A free man, some would say. Well, almost free, if you consider the 10-year reservist cycle; and hence, the burning question in everyone’s mind is why he did it.

It was speculated that a failed relationship may have lead to his actions, and this pretty much reminded me of LTA X. LTA X was the officer who was bao toh’d * by 2Lt Li hong Yi in an incident not too long ago. Apparently, LTA X AWOL’d because of relationship problems, but that’s just a hearsay; but it does show that the human mind is weak where matters of the heart is concerned.

I was once a person who was ruled by my heart than my mind, and that many a times, landed me in, not just hot soup, but boiling soup akin to that of an erupting volcano. Badly scared emotionally and sometimes mentally and physically, I learnt the hard way and hardened my heart to a diamond. Yes, that’s an expensive heart.

Nowadays, as selfish as it sounds, I seldom get myself too emotionally attached where possible, because I am tired of being hurt and scarred and hurt all over again. Sometimes, I just feel that it’s not worth it. Emotions are intangible. They are not something that you can weigh, touch or hear. Whenever I got upset and tried to talk to someone about it, they could only tell me not to be sad and probably not be able to feel what I was feeling. I don’t blame anyone. Afterall, emotions are something that no one else can see.

Anyway… I think I am sounding too sorrowful. When I started this entry, it wasn’t meant to be like this. That’s the thing about blogging. Sometimes you start off blogging about something and it just gets waylaid midway. Heh heh. So, I’m just going to end off proving that girls are indeed evil. 😛

Girls = Time x Money

Time = Money

Money = Root(All Evil)

Therefore, Time = Money = Root(All Evil)

Hence, Girls = Time x Money = Time x Time = Time ^ 2 = [Root(All Evil)] ^ 2 = All Evil

🙂

PS: And oh, here’s a special plug to Arzhou, who happened to be able to proof that BitTorrent is evil, although a little unrelated 😛

* bao toh means to be exposed, or betrayed in colloquial terms

Was chatting with a friend of mine over MSN when I suddenly realised that I forgot to pay him back for some stuffs:

Me: Oh, guess what? I realised that I forgot to pay you back for the xxx

Him: It’s ok lah… you can pay me back the next time we meet

Me: Oh, that means I would be seeing you for a long time

– Silence –

Him: Oh! Are you trying to do a Richard Yong???

Me: Nay… for that amount, it’s not worth it 😛

Him: Yes, but the best criminals often try out simple bad things first 😛

Me: Okie… then it’s worth the effort then

Him: I’ll track you down!!!

Me: =P Btw… you got PPV today?

There are probably many other things that we can do, including but not limited to:

  1. Doing a TT Durai
  2. Doing a Lee, Christopher Lee, I mean
  3. Doing a …..

And I just realised that there are some that I can’t mention. 😛